While folding jeans it hit me! In addition to my many other talents, I'm also a domestic goddess! Here's a collection of my Domestic Goddess Tips! (Or are they jokes, cleverly disguised as tips?)
Domestic Goddess Tip #291: If you can't get the lid off the toilet cleaner bottle because it's so empty that the sides have sucked in, it's time to run down to Dollar General for more.
Domestic Goddess Tip #137: Take the candle out of the wrought iron candelabra BEFORE you pound on the candelabra with a hammer.
Domestic Goddess Tip #37: Only buy tea kettles that whistle. (Don't ask me how I know this is important)
Domestic Goddess Tip #4782: Do not attempt to unfurl tea bags with wet hands. The strings will wrap around your fingers and the tags will stick to you.
Domestic Goddess Tip #42: When there is crap floating around in your vinegar (excluding hot peppers of course), you should toss it out and buy more.
Domestic Goddess tip #8743: Do not slather greasy lotion all over your feet, put on flip flops and then immediately decide jump in your stick shift car for a quick drive. (new meaning for a slipping clutch) [Cross reference Domestic Goddess Driving Tip #1]
Domestic Goddess Tip #747: If you pop a button off your garment, take a few minutes to stop and sew it back on right away. Pulling that garment out the next season and finding the button taped to it, is just not cool.
Domestic Goddess Driving Tip #2: From the time you put a big glob of lotion on your hand, you will never catch a red light all the way to your destination. This is especially important to remember if you are shifting gears manually.
Domestic Goddess Tip #4180: When preparing that nasty brown rice that you hate so much, but eat anyway as part of your healthy lifestyle, you may accidentally dump over half of it in the sink and then not have to choke it down as leftovers later. (this may also work for other things you don't like)
Domestic Goddess Tip #420: If you find that the lid on the big kosher pickle jar was not secure when you tipped it sideways as you went to put it back in the fridge, you can quickly and easily wash your feet in the bathtub.
Texas Domestic Goddess Tip #1: It's not a good idea to store more than one empty coffee mug on the floorboard of your car. If you have to stop suddenly, they might roll into each other and break in half.
Domestic Goddess Tip #518: Don't try to bounce the dryer balls thru the dryer door-they could take a wild hop, landing behind the dryer, not in it.
Domestic Goddess Tip #709: If you put away the laundry occasionally, instead of leaving it hanging above the dryer as if that's a revolving closet, then you might find things you "lost" are on the shelf behind the laundry, such as that flashlight & extra rechargeable battery which goes with the drill you needed to hang blinds.
Domestic Goddess Tip #716: Painting your toenails without enough light has a similar outcome to applying lipstick while inebriated.
Class offerings:
"Perfecting the art of applying lipstick without the aid of your reflection." How-to video included.
"Perfecting the art of eating oatmeal while driving a stick shift." Available in audio for busy commuters.
"Perfecting the art of drying hair with one hand while brushing teeth with the other." Classes enrolling soon.
Domestic Goddess Tip #722": Struggling with motivation to clean the inside of your microwave? Try this: 1/2 cup old fashioned oats, 1 cup of water, shallow bowl, 3 mins on high. You'll being cleaning that microwave immediately!
Domestic Goddess Tip #810: Just take my word for this one. DO NOT try to slice a kosher pickle spear in midair.
Domestic Goddess Tip #824: 2 green bottles, 1 round, 1 square. make sure to pour from the round one into your glass. round=wine, square= olive oil.......(thanks to guest goddess Rinda Brenton)
New Class Offerings for 2011:
"Peeling back the layers to a new you." Part 1: Scrubbing the Veggie Blues Away,
A Primer on Using Brushes to Achieve Immaculate Presentation in the Kitchen. Domestic engineers receive a 10% discount for early registration.
Domestic Goddess Tip #726: If you MUST drop a raw egg, let it fall straight into the cat's food bowl. Makes for very easy cleanup.
Domestic Goddess Tip #1022: If you suddenly toss the yogurt container into the air so that, on hitting the floor, it explodes all over your hand, sleeve, keyboard, and cell phone ... you should also check your hair and the back of your head.
Domestic Goddess Tip #409: At your own peril, try to trim your toenails after liberally applying shea body butter to your entire body. Again, I say, at your own peril.
Domestic Goddess Tip #408: Using no sweetener in one's tea makes cleanup easier after one chokes and spews said tea across desk and floor.
Domestic Goddess Observation #315: It is difficult to re-tie a shoe while wearing gloves.
Domestic Goddess Tip#2009: If you must cook while facebooking, it's best to set a timer.
Domestic Goddess Tip #1030: Should you press the "self-clean" button while the brownies are still in the oven, it's okay to immediately flip out.
DomesticGoddess Tip #1215: If you hold the pickle jar too close to your chest while wrenching off lid, you'll smell like pickle juice later.
Domestic Goddess Tip #409: At your own peril, try to trim your toenails after liberally applying shea body butter to your entire body. Again, I say, at your own peril.
Domestic Goddess Tip #408: Using no sweetener in one's tea makes cleanup easier after one chokes and spews said tea across desk and floor.
Domestic Goddess Observation #315: It is difficult to re-tie a shoe while wearing gloves.
Domestic Goddess Tip#2009: If you must cook while facebooking, it's best to set a timer.
Domestic Goddess Tip #1030: Should you press the "self-clean" button while the brownies are still in the oven, it's okay to immediately flip out.
DomesticGoddess Tip #1215: If you hold the pickle jar too close to your chest while wrenching off lid, you'll smell like pickle juice later.
Domestic Goddess Tip #291: If you can't get the lid off the toilet cleaner bottle because it's so empty that the sides have sucked in, it's time to run down to Dollar General for more.
Domestic Goddess Tip #137: Take the candle out of the wrought iron candelabra BEFORE you pound on the candelabra with a hammer.
Domestic Goddess Tip #37: Only buy tea kettles that whistle. (Don't ask me how I know this is important)
Domestic Goddess Tip #4782: Do not attempt to unfurl tea bags with wet hands. The strings will wrap around your fingers and the tags will stick to you.
Domestic Goddess Tip #42: When there is crap floating around in your vinegar (excluding hot peppers of course), you should toss it out and buy more.
Domestic Goddess tip #8743: Do not slather greasy lotion all over your feet, put on flip flops and then immediately decide jump in your stick shift car for a quick drive. (new meaning for a slipping clutch) [Cross reference Domestic Goddess Driving Tip #1]
Domestic Goddess Tip #747: If you pop a button off your garment, take a few minutes to stop and sew it back on right away. Pulling that garment out the next season and finding the button taped to it, is just not cool.
Domestic Goddess Driving Tip #2: From the time you put a big glob of lotion on your hand, you will never catch a red light all the way to your destination. This is especially important to remember if you are shifting gears manually.
Domestic Goddess Tip #4180: When preparing that nasty brown rice that you hate so much, but eat anyway as part of your healthy lifestyle, you may accidentally dump over half of it in the sink and then not have to choke it down as leftovers later. (this may also work for other things you don't like)
Domestic Goddess Tip #420: If you find that the lid on the big kosher pickle jar was not secure when you tipped it sideways as you went to put it back in the fridge, you can quickly and easily wash your feet in the bathtub.
Texas Domestic Goddess Tip #1: It's not a good idea to store more than one empty coffee mug on the floorboard of your car. If you have to stop suddenly, they might roll into each other and break in half.
Domestic Goddess Tip #518: Don't try to bounce the dryer balls thru the dryer door-they could take a wild hop, landing behind the dryer, not in it.
Domestic Goddess Tip #709: If you put away the laundry occasionally, instead of leaving it hanging above the dryer as if that's a revolving closet, then you might find things you "lost" are on the shelf behind the laundry, such as that flashlight & extra rechargeable battery which goes with the drill you needed to hang blinds.
Domestic Goddess Tip #716: Painting your toenails without enough light has a similar outcome to applying lipstick while inebriated.
Class offerings:
"Perfecting the art of applying lipstick without the aid of your reflection." How-to video included.
"Perfecting the art of eating oatmeal while driving a stick shift." Available in audio for busy commuters.
"Perfecting the art of drying hair with one hand while brushing teeth with the other." Classes enrolling soon.
Domestic Goddess Tip #722": Struggling with motivation to clean the inside of your microwave? Try this: 1/2 cup old fashioned oats, 1 cup of water, shallow bowl, 3 mins on high. You'll being cleaning that microwave immediately!
Domestic Goddess Tip #810: Just take my word for this one. DO NOT try to slice a kosher pickle spear in midair.
Domestic Goddess Tip #824: 2 green bottles, 1 round, 1 square. make sure to pour from the round one into your glass. round=wine, square= olive oil.......(thanks to guest goddess Rinda Brenton)
New Class Offerings for 2011:
"Peeling back the layers to a new you." Part 1: Scrubbing the Veggie Blues Away,
A Primer on Using Brushes to Achieve Immaculate Presentation in the Kitchen. Domestic engineers receive a 10% discount for early registration.
Beautiful
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